Why we fail in love

We don't have to look very far to know that marriages are failing in America and most of the Western world.

If you get married today, you statistically have a higher chance of divorcing than staying together. This is sobering, and merits a good look at ourselves. Why do marriages and relationships fail?

The partial answer is selfishness. It's true that we all want to be loved, cared for, adored, and treated like we are the cream in someone's coffee. These are good and right things to want. It seems that if people would just shut up and listen to each other, we all really want the same thing. We all want the best for us.

The hard part comes when what we want doesn't match up with the thing someone else wants.

We might really think someone is wonderful and want to be with them, but they have their eye on someone else. We might want to be free to play video games for hours after work, and our wife wants to sit and talk. We might think shopping is no big deal, but our husband seems to roll over and play silent/cold/dead if he finds out where we've been. We want the same outcome, but different paths to get there. We are selfish. We want our way.

This next paragraph will go a bit further than most will want to read, but bear with me. We have to look at why we are so selfish.

Why do we fight if we want the same thing? We can't we give in?

There reason is pretty simple...we are all broken. Something in us was made to want to love others and make them happy at first, but then it broke. For a Christian like me (and maybe you), you immediately recognize this as sin... a fallen nature... the separation from God and what we were made to be. Sin has broken us.

This is the reason we are so selfish and won't ever be completely happy with anyone. Because we are all broken, we will all fail each other. That cute guy with dimples and a hot body will forget to call you. That girl who seemed so perfect also has an annoying laugh and a mother who won't butt out.

Life isn't perfect. Some people can't get past this in a relationship...they realize they can't get what they want and they leave. Never mind breaking hearts or kids who won't have a dad anymore. We have learned to serve our own selfishness.

In generations past, people realized that life wasn't perfect, but they had determined to stick it out. They learned to be happy with each other in imperfection. Life wasn't any better back then, but people choose to not give in to selfishness as much.

I'm not talking about staying through abuse, but just the everyday grating the comes from living with another imperfect person. The key to their happiness was to look past themselves, to look past their spouse, and to look to something else...either God, or a cause, or the family...or country...something else that was bigger and more important than their own immediate pleasure.

This is why premarital sex is a big deal to me. Well, not exactly just premarital. To me, it has to be an important thing you share with someone you love. Not just to "get it over with". That's also why I don't like telling people besides my closest friends if something happens. Honestly, I think besides friends you can trust, it pretty much should remain between you and your partner, does anyone else really matter?

It's not that sex is so bad (it isn't), but it's so self-serving and grasping for immediate gratification. Waiting means you are caring more about the relationship in the future (should it come to either marriage...or eventual marriage to someone else). You are saying with your body - I want you, but I'd rather not be selfish right now so that my husband or wife later can have all of me. It's a great practice for not being selfish in a marriage.

To be fulfilled in a relationship, dating, marriage...sharing a life together or a cup of coffee...we have to realize that this imperfection is mutual. If we can get past this, I think relationships will be less about being selfish and more about becoming a lover to each other...warts and all.