By Taylor Mali
He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers.
Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.
"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and ass-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why.
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.
You want to know what I make?
I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a goddamn difference!
What about you?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I love you because...
You allow me to be myself
and you still love me…
Because we can talk about anything
and laugh about silly things…
I love you because….
you are special and unique
and bring out the best in me…
Because I feel like I've finally
found someone I can trust completely,
Without worrying about the old saying
"out of sight, out of mind".
I love you because...
You're perfect, and always will be
Because you're sweet, caring,
handsome, nice, and loving.
I love you because...
I can't picture my life without you...
Or with anyone else.
I love you because you’re you….
and you’re what I’ve waited for my whole life.
and you still love me…
Because we can talk about anything
and laugh about silly things…
I love you because….
you are special and unique
and bring out the best in me…
Because I feel like I've finally
found someone I can trust completely,
Without worrying about the old saying
"out of sight, out of mind".
I love you because...
You're perfect, and always will be
Because you're sweet, caring,
handsome, nice, and loving.
I love you because...
I can't picture my life without you...
Or with anyone else.
I love you because you’re you….
and you’re what I’ve waited for my whole life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Lovee
Happy Valentine's Day yayy!! :D I had the best day ever and got the best gifts ever. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the worldddddd :) And nobodyy can have him he's all mineee :) I love you Brendonn :D
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Hahahaha
WOMEN AND MEN
On Nicknames
Women: If Laura, Sue, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Sue, Debra and Rose.
Men: If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for lunch, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Godzilla, Shaggy, Bear and Shrek.
On Eating Out
Men: Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though
the bill is $22. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
On Money
Women: A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Men: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
On Bathrooms
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, a razor,
shaving cream, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
On Arguments
Women: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Men: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
On The Future
Women: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
Men: A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
On Success
Men: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Women: A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
On Marriage
Women: A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he doesn't.
Men: A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
On Dressing Up
Women: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail...
Men: A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
On Looks
Men: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women: Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (lol)
On Offspring
Women: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods,
and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
And finally...
Any married man will forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing...
On Nicknames
Women: If Laura, Sue, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Sue, Debra and Rose.
Men: If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for lunch, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Godzilla, Shaggy, Bear and Shrek.
On Eating Out
Men: Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though
the bill is $22. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
On Money
Women: A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Men: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
On Bathrooms
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, a razor,
shaving cream, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
On Arguments
Women: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Men: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
On The Future
Women: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
Men: A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
On Success
Men: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Women: A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
On Marriage
Women: A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he doesn't.
Men: A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
On Dressing Up
Women: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail...
Men: A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
On Looks
Men: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women: Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (lol)
On Offspring
Women: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods,
and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
And finally...
Any married man will forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."
"What's this doing here?"
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."
"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
Ha. Ha.
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."
"What's this doing here?"
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."
"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
Ha. Ha.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Courses for Women
Taught by men, for women.
101 - Avoiding Walking In Front Of The TV
102 - Doing Housework Without Complaining
103 - Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104 - Going To The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105 - Understanding The Male Response To "Do I Look Okay?"
106 - Exercise: How It Keeps You From Looking Like Your Mother
107 - Learning How To Initiate Intimacy
108 - How To Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109 - Understanding The Male Response To "Am I Fat?"
110 - Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not A Must
111 - Using The Thesaurus: Alternatives To "Make Love"
112 - The Weekend And Long Boring Walks Are Not Synonymous
113 - The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
114 - You Too Can Be The One To Hang Up The Phone
115 - Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
116 - Fishing: Being Able To Bait You Own Hook
117 - Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
118 - Learning To Choose What To Wear In Less Than Four Hours
119 - Vacations: Doing Without Four Suitcases
120 - Makeup: The Less Is More Theory
Courses for Men
Taught by women, for men.
101 - P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
102 - You Too Can Do Housework
103 - How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
104 - We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas, Give Us Money
105 - Understanding The Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4AM
106 - Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
107 - How To Not Act Like A Total Jerk When You Are Obviously Wrong
108 - Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
109 - Reasons To Give Flowers
110 - How To Stay Awake After
111 - Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
112a-You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
112b-The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take A Shower
113 - The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
114 - The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
115 - Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
116 - How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
117 - You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
118 - Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
119 - Real Men Ask For Directions
120 - How To Survive The Common Cold Like A Man
:D
Taught by men, for women.
101 - Avoiding Walking In Front Of The TV
102 - Doing Housework Without Complaining
103 - Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104 - Going To The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105 - Understanding The Male Response To "Do I Look Okay?"
106 - Exercise: How It Keeps You From Looking Like Your Mother
107 - Learning How To Initiate Intimacy
108 - How To Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109 - Understanding The Male Response To "Am I Fat?"
110 - Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not A Must
111 - Using The Thesaurus: Alternatives To "Make Love"
112 - The Weekend And Long Boring Walks Are Not Synonymous
113 - The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
114 - You Too Can Be The One To Hang Up The Phone
115 - Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
116 - Fishing: Being Able To Bait You Own Hook
117 - Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
118 - Learning To Choose What To Wear In Less Than Four Hours
119 - Vacations: Doing Without Four Suitcases
120 - Makeup: The Less Is More Theory
Courses for Men
Taught by women, for men.
101 - P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
102 - You Too Can Do Housework
103 - How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
104 - We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas, Give Us Money
105 - Understanding The Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4AM
106 - Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
107 - How To Not Act Like A Total Jerk When You Are Obviously Wrong
108 - Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
109 - Reasons To Give Flowers
110 - How To Stay Awake After
111 - Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
112a-You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
112b-The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take A Shower
113 - The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
114 - The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
115 - Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
116 - How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
117 - You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
118 - Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
119 - Real Men Ask For Directions
120 - How To Survive The Common Cold Like A Man
:D
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