The truth

Senior year has had so many good things and bad things happen, I find it odd. It was supposed to be the best year out of the four but it’s definitely not. Well in some ways it is, but others have just been completely bad. Like losing my best friend. It was bound to happen I guess but it kind of sucks we couldn’t have made it through senior year, you know? And college searching is supposed to be fun and stressful I know but am I supposed to feel this scared? I don’t to lose everything I’ve gained over my years here. Especially the person I love the most.

On the good side of things, I think I found the love of my life this year. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that he stayed by me and chose to be with me even after all that I did. I can’t even tell him. I think I’m really bad with words haha. It always ends up being awkward. But I have so much love for him that sometimes I feel like I love him more than he could possibly love me. I’ve been in that situation before and it is not fun at all. But I know he loves me a lot. And I trust him. You don’t know how good it feels to finally say that about a guy and really mean it deep down. It’s like getting over a huge obstacle. Even though my last relationship ended almost a year ago sometimes I still have those days when doubts will slip in, because sometimes I still get tricked into thinking like that about all guys. But as soon as I think about my boyfriend and how much he cares for me and loves me the doubts just…float away.

My last relationship reminds me a lot of this year. So many ups and downs I can’t believe it all got jammed into one section of time. There’s so much to forget you know? But I can’t. I can’t forget him yelling at me in my face about how stupid I am, and what a horrible family I have. What a horrible person I am, and that must be why I don’t have any friends. And how much his family hated me, and why I am not good enough for him. The horrible things he said about me to other people. I’m not forgetting the countless nights going to bed crying and hating being alone. Sometimes I still do just because I get lonely at night. Especially with the rain. I don’t forget that awful, terrible feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are told you got betrayed. The whole cold-sweat-dizzy feeling when you automatically have to grab a chair to sit in. That is the worst. And I don’t forget being dumb and pushing it out of my head as if it wasn’t even there. The cracks didn’t count. It had to break in front of me, and it eventually did.

I’m not saying I don’t try to forget. I wish with all my heart that I could. I don’t because I can’t. But I got over it. I got over it a long time ago. It was hard to finally put it in writing because it’s like, oh wow now I actually have to believe it and if I’m wrong, I’ll never live it down with myself…but I’ve been over it for a long time now. I won’t forget it because it did affect me I can’t say that it didn’t. But I can say now that it’s pretty much done affecting me.

I’ve never really talked about this with anyone. I sort of thought most people wouldn’t really care, or they’d think I was looking for pity points or something. A lot of people probably wouldn’t believe me at that. I only just want someone to listen. I hate it when people think I’m trying to make them feel sorry for me, because I really hate when people feel sorry for me. I don’t really care about pity, I just want a hand. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to make you feel sorry for me. Maybe to you it’s not even a big deal at all, and I’m being oversensitive and girly. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to hold me and just listen.

I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am in my relationship now. I can’t think of anyone more perfect or with more perfect qualities. It’s been a tough year for many reasons but also the best I’ve ever had. I really really hope it never changes. This is the best thing that could have happened to me and it’s amazing to have that amazing feeling again <3

It wasn't long enough

A poem that makes you think of someone special

One kiss I place upon your perfect cheek
to show my love; it's not the only way.
I take your hand, it's intertwined with me

A gift that only you and I can see
I feel my heart must grow to bear the weight
one kiss I place upon your perfect cheek

You play so sweetly songs that I complete
I sing the words that I cannot betray
I take your hand, it's intertwined with me

Your eyes bear truth like maples bear their leaves
They raise me up in ways I can't explain
One kiss I place upon your perfect cheek

You make me be the best that I can be
My mouth is full with words I fail to say
I take your hand, it's intertwined with me

I'll take this time to tell you how I feel
My heart is full with words I need to say
one kiss I place upon your perfect cheek
I take your hand, it's intertwined with me